My
name is Meredith Boutte. I'm 34, a stay
at home mom of a smart 8-year-old boy and have had a wonderful boyfriend for
two years. I was first diagnosed about 6 years ago. During that time, I was a full-time student
working towards becoming a nurse. I was
doing a great job in school. When I first got sick, it took about a year to be
diagnosed. There were a lot of doctor
visits and a whole lot of throwing fits just so that doctors would listen to
me. At one point, I told the doctor that if they did not admit me I was going
to hurt myself. It's sad that I had to go through such drastic extremes to get
someone to listen to me, but it worked.
Soon
after the hospital stay I was referred to a rheumatologist. That changed my life forever. At that time the diagnosis was such a relief because
I was finally going to get help. I didn’t feel crazy anymore, yet the news put
me into a state of depression. The only thing I knew about RA was what I had
read and the pictures I saw. I was devastated even though i put on a smile.
Soon
after my diagnosis, my sister was told she has RA. I was so sad for her and her family, but it
was a sigh of relief for me. I didn’t feel alone anymore. It is nice to have
someone know what I was going through. My sister is my everything. She is my strength, my will to keep going, and
my therapist.
Since
having RA, I have come across a ton of people with opinions on the illness. Some
of the things I hear the most are…
*You
are too young to have that.
*Oh,
my family member died from that.
*Just
be grateful it's not cancer.
*Just
stay positive.
*My
grandma has osteoarthritis.
*Oh
you will be fine just keep moving.
Sometimes
when I say I have RA, they automatically check my hands to see if they are
disfigured. Just because they are not, I
get looks like I'm lying, or they say it must not be that bad yet.
I
have become use to all the different responses and no longer take offense, because
most people don't understand the disease and are ignorant.
JUST
BECAUSE…
*Just
because I don't work doesn't mean I once didn't have a life plan or I am lazy
and don't want a job. I would love to work. I think about it all the time. I
have been truly blessed to be able to stay home since my diagnosis, but I would
give anything to have the ability to work a full time job and come home and still
be able to do everything at home as well. Doing normal house stuff like
cleaning, making dinner, and being a mom literally takes everything I have in
me. By 9pm I'm so tired I want to cry.
*Just
because I kicked ass yesterday and maybe the day before that, doesn't mean
today will be the same. Sometimes I have great days where I don't even realize
I'm sick. Somedays I can do anything but those days are short lived. The more I
do the better I feel but it takes a toll on my body physically and mentally. Sometimes,
I have to give up and surrender to my disease.
*Just
because I cancelled plans with a friend or had to tell my son we can’t play
outside doesn’t mean I don't want to. I am not a flake, I just physically can’t.
I want be a woman of my word so badly, but what I want and what I am able to do
is a totally different thing. I don't
wake up and get to choose how I feel that day, my disease does.
*Just
because I take pain medication does not mean I'm an addict. Unfortunately, my
pain meds are my life line and not having them is scary to me. Your body
gets used to having them so when you stop taking them, you have withdrawals. I
want my doctor to know that my wellbeing depends on my meds. When I call to get a refil,l I should not be
put on a back burner. I should not have to throw a fit and sound like an addict
to get pain meds. I deserve to have some quality of life.
Just
because I stay home all day doesn't mean the house will always be perfect. It
is important for the husbands and significant others out there living with a
person with RA. It’s hard for them to understand how we feel
after they worked all day and come home to a messy house. I feel so
disappointed with myself when I can't do what others can. When the dishes sit in the sink for days it is
just because I feel so badly. I only
have enough energy for a few things. I choose to use the energy I have to play
with my son. I try to focus on what I
did do that day. Sometimes just getting
the dishes done and washing clothes was a huge achievement for me, and it
literally took everything I had to get it done.
What
I have learned living with RA, is to not be so hard on myself. Take a break when you need it and do what's
important in life. Playing with my son
and giving him the best I can are more important than folding the clothes or
doing the dishes. I must remind myself that even though I have been dealt this
horrible card in life I am not going to let it take over me. Stay positive even though it's hard to. It's
ok to cry and be mad about what RA has stolen from me, but to also be grateful
for the lessons I have learned from having it. You are not alone. Find people that share your struggles because
people that do not have illnesses will never understand what you are going
through. Last, it's ok to be scared. RA
not only effects your joints but your whole body. Have your pity party because RA sucks and
nobody can be strong all the time. Just remember to not stay there. Pity parties are not fun, and we have to keep
going.
As the infamous Dory would say…
Just keep swimming.
Comments